Samuel Buttner, Perseverance

Sometimes you need more strength than you seem to have, and you need it on an unforgiving timeline, and that's what it is.

We just watched THE IRISHMAN on Netflix over the last two nights and the gentle dooming of the line "It's what it is" is playing on a loop in my mind.  I say watch it.

We're into December now and this is when I'd like to be in the mood to roll out some holly jolly content. As a parent of youngish sons, the holly jolly rollout here at home is—look, I'd like to use words accurately, so "mandatory" is out on a technicality  BUT it's kind of not not mandatory.    

UNFORTUNATELY, THOUGH,

there are obstacles to holiday cheer and the ready flow of it.

As we are not Hollywood elves but plain old humans, there are always obstacles to holiday cheer, but some years are more obstacle-filled than other years and good old-fashioned pretending and pumping it out anyway won't be sustainable for an entire season.

If you're in a situation where you can't get it up but also don't have to get it up, I hope you enjoy the grim charm of that somehow because I would trade you

But if you're experiencing depression and despair instead of optional seasonal cynicism then all I got for you is love and respect and deep good wishes that you get through

   Figuring that many of you are where I am with this, here's what I propose:

  (That was Perseverance again but from another angle/a different casting GREEN FOR THE HOLIDAYS DON'T SAY I NEVER DID ANYTHING FESTIVE FOR YOU THIS WEEK)

I PROPOSE

WE HOLD OFF ON TURNING THE KEY IN THE CHEER IGNITION and instead ACKNOWLEDGE THE OBSTACLE, possibly APPRECIATE THE OBSTACLE, maybe even, if we have to, temporarily ROMANTICIZE THE OBSTACLE in order to appreciate it and muster the verve for overcoming it   

Are we looking at a picture of Laura Ingalls Wilder right now? We are, we are.

When I was a girl between the ages of 6 and 8, it wouldn't be far from the truth to say that I exclusively read the "Little House on the Prairie" books. I might've read something else but I don't remember doing it and I doubt it.

(Wait: There was a period at the age of 7 where I read the opening chapter of "The Hobbit" a lot. I liked that Bilbo kept so much food around, so I'd show up for the dwarves' brunch ambush and then bail.)

If I was feeling particularly troubled, I'd hide behind my brother's bed* with a loaf of bread and the boxed set of Little House and go in.

*there was a crawlspace between the head of his bed and the wall, underneath a hanging bookshelf

My dad bought me a copy of a real life biography of Laura Ingalls Wilder and surprised me with it on a road trip once, presenting it from the front seat to the back seat, and I immediately burst into tears of joy, overcome. She had a real face and I could really see it and it was real and that was too much.

I read this piece in The Paris Review last week Thanksgiving with Laura Ingalls Wilder which prompted me to start reading this biography "Prairie Fires: The American Dream of Laura Ingalls Wilder" which faces the terrible, racist whitewashing in the Little House books and at the same time reveals the extent of the Ingalls' poverty which was not the fun, plucky, making-the-best-of-it game I loved reading about so much.

I'm going somewhere with this

somewhere you don't need to have been into Little House on the Prairie to get with 

guess who

To acknowledge, appreciate and productively romanticize our obstacles whether they're physical or emotional or financial or a blend

it's helpful to have muses

Not success muses Hell no, not for this We get enough on that front  AIM HIGH DREAM BIG etc etc blah   The I'M AN AMAZING SQUILLIONAIRE WHO ROSE FROM NOTHING narrative with its corny, lying sidekick AND SO WILL YOU BE IF YOU SWEAT AND BLEED ENOUGH is not helpful when all you're trying to do is get through the day with the basics in place.    No. I'm talking about  privation muses endurance muses dust bowl muses tormented muses who still stayed alive   You might say that Laura Ingalls Wilder, problematic fave that she is, makes for a sketchy muse. But I'm a white woman and I'm not entitled to romanticize a non-white muse for myself. Can't be trying on a heroic person of color from history to get through my own stuff. Nope, nope, not good. Better for me to look straight on at somebody who was entwined with white supremacy on the dishonorable end and see myself in that person, and take whatever usable vitamins I can find there.

Been trying on her bonnet since I was a baby anyway so I might as well try on the whole thing.

I'm saying if you're struggling you could pick a muse who struggled (at least in a distant way) along your same track but struggled more so. That way your struggles read smaller but you can still try some of their moves. And if there are other lessons that aren't as comforting in their narratives, you can take those, too, if applicable.          

Epictetus is always bracing when you need to leverage your available strength

Here's The Enchiridion  and here are some excerpts (this one is the big premise)

  and I just like this one

  this is also handy

Samuel Buttner, Graceful but also kind of, "Half-Pint", no? glum from prairie struggles and the like

  Finally: Ask for help. It feels awful but it isn't awful. Some struggles you have to undertake alone but not all of them, not every corner. You are not small when you need help. You're not marked. You're not defective. You're not weak. You will need help and then you'll need it again and so will everybody.  You will not die of asking for or receiving help. At most you will feel something very stretchy. Please get okay with asking for help before you need it so much you could in fact die of the not asking. It's okay to do it. It's okay to do it. It's good to do it. It's good.

Samuel Buttner, Mother

I'll go first. If you've been reading for a while, you know that I frequently have links both to share this newsletter and to donate to support its creation. Nobody's ever obligated to do either one, and I don't always ask, especially if I've been talking about graver things in the world. But if I drop those links casually down here now, that's going to be a lie of omission. What's true is that we're in a vulnerable spot going into the holidays this year as a family. (The family = me, my husband, my two sons, and my mom, who lives with us.) We negotiate small and unpredictable income all the time and that's okay, we work with that, along with the vast majority of people on Earth. But we have no margin for error or surprise this year and the worry is realer and hotter than usual. I don't want to dramatize this either; this is not desperation. We're okay. We're not in any kind of immediate jeopardy, so I don't want anyone reading to infer or pick up that kind of emotional charge. But I'm putting the regular links down with their real context, i.e., this year is challenging and we could use help.   With that:  If you love getting the Weekly Zephyr, please do share it with your people.  Here's a link: https://tinyletter.com/tinarowley you can also forward an issue   If the Weekly Zephyr is valuable to you, you can make a contribution to its financial support.  PayPal: https://www.paypal.me/tinakrowley  Venmo (for people who like that better): @tina-rowley444

There. That was hard but doable. You go for it now where you need it.