Weekly Zephyr #104: Grudge Investigation

I feel about this illustration the way I feel about grudges

Creepy, grudges are creepy-feeling. And visceral, otherwise they couldn’t really take root, could they? Embarrassing, too, my god, at least for me.

But this is a good-looking illustration. I love it and I want to keep looking at it. The palette is exactly to my taste. I love all the little numbers and letters that take us nowhere since we don’t have the textbook on hand. All they get to say to us is:

and this, and this, and there’s also this, and this bit, also important, and this, too, don’t forget

The expression on the figure on the right is perfect. Those eyes are directing somebody to fuck off and they shall not forget.

I can’t decide if I have a small or a medium collection of grudges

but whatever size it is, I visit my collection every day, at least for a second, somewhere in the day, one of them. I’ve long hoped to get rid of these grudges and I’ve tried to mentally magic my way out of them with various poor techniques. I have, for example, pictured people becoming younger and younger and younger until they hit an age where I couldn’t possibly be mad at them, and that’s great for a moment—

hey! look at that! 

like a fire I’ve lit out of newspaper

but maybe not even kindling and certainly no firewood

—but then the people always turn the last age I saw them again the minute I’ve turned my attention somewhere else.

I have heard about forgiveness but I have no real idea how it works. I’ve only ever lucked into it, and that’s with the big stuff. I’ve never willed my way into it and I can’t seem to make it work for the grudge-sized items.

What I have, collection-wise, is memories of four or five people who were repeat offenders of their own specific kind of move 

I don’t think you can do one wrong thing once and earn your way into my grudge cabinet*. (Taking a quick look at it, yeah, no. Nobody’s in there for one thing.) You have to come at it a few times, and you have to specialize.

*a real concept I just learned about this morning that I’m excited to tell you about later in the post

You could be:

• Guy who frequently registered surprise when I did something well, same guy as Guy who suggested that I would do well to find an easy job somewhere, maybe that a friend of mine could get me

or, say,

• Pal who repeatedly lobbed quick undermining statements out there during situations of heightened vulnerability, e.g., performances or budding romantic relationships

I was going to go on and give a nod to all four or five people in the cabinet but that felt like too much, like it was going to get goopy. I only wanted to illustrate the specialization thing.

Every time I trip over one of my grudges and have to reckon with it, I feel a creep-juice burble in my innards. I feel that I am the creep. I am a small creep, hunched and grimacing, unpleasant to behold. The opposite of what I would like to be! I would like to be an unfurled, glowing, striding thing on my way somewhere, and not a muttering creep stuck on the side of the road, clutching a goopy rock.

Here’s the part I’m excited about

I was googling “how to get over holding grudges” last night and I came across a book

How to Hold a Grudge: From Resentment to Contentment — the Power of Grudges to Transform Your Life

Voilà and hallelujah, it was available immediately for checkout as an e-book from my local public library. (Bless the Libby app forever.) I tried to stay up late and read the whole thing but it’s 586 pages long and as of this morning I’m only on page 24.

So far, so good, though. This is a smart, funny, charming book and I have actual hopes that it might help.

Sophie Hannah writes crime fiction and poetry and she’s British, which makes her the most perfect candidate to come at grudges. Further investigation revealed her to be a Cancer. I am one of these. We are majestic grudge-holders. This is who I want on the job. I have tried to absorb the wisdom from various spiritual teachers on this subject and it’s no use. I keep spitting it out. I am what I am. I’m trying, but…you know.

To give you a little flavor, sometime before page 24 she tells us about a grudge she’s called Michael Upside Down in the Doorway. She gives all her grudges titles to help with classification.

Oh, and also before page 24 she suggests we create an actual physical cabinet to hold our grudges in, be it a fancy handbag or a shoebox or something we carve out of walnut. A talismanic container? Oh, hello, that’s my favorite thing in the world. Will do, can’t wait. I don’t know what we’re going to do with it yet beyond make it and stick the grudges in but I don’t care. Sold.